How to Talk About the Need to Stop Driving When Dementia Is Involved

As dementia progresses, some routine activities or life circumstances can become unsafe. You may notice your person living with Alzheimer’s or another type of dementia starting to have blunders in the car, or that they no longer notice cars beside them when behind the wheel. So, what can you do to increase the chances of your loved one being willing to give up their keys?

 Below are some tips and strategies you can try:

1.     Plan Ahead, If possible planning ahead can positively affect your care situation. You may want to start thinking about the person’s preferences and possible transportation alternatives that still allow the person to keep some independence.  

2.     See If You Can Find and Gently Nudge the Person's Motivation Maybe the reason your loved one is still driving is that they simply have no other way to get around. Maybe the idea of letting go of their beloved car, and thereby the independence and freedom they’ve enjoyed for many years, is too difficult to process. What does the car mean to them? What is it that will keep your person from saying yes to letting go of it?

Whatever it may be, you’re much more likely to have a successful conversation if you can address the person’s motivations. Using facts and details that are accurate but not understood by the person living with dementia aren’t going to help transition them away from driving. Instead, see if you can figure out what truly makes them hold on to their car, and see if you can find a way to lessen that grip.

•   How do you uncover motivations? - be curious, ask questions. Instead of approaching the topic head on, you may want to try asking a series of little questions that can help you get closer to the source.

•   Once you know a little more, you can think strategically of how you could ease their transition to let go. As an example, if there is a grandchild that they deeply care about, could he or she occasionally bring up the car in conversation? Maybe an occasional phrase like Wow, I hope to have a car like yours someday, grandpa can help with letting go.

Not only can a strategy like this soften the motivation to hold on to the car, but it also gives the person living with dementia a way to let go that isn’t about them. So instead of having to admit to themselves that their driving capabilities are changing, an approach like this allows them to feel like they’re making the change for someone that they care about.

3.     What's In It For Them? In an effort to keep this transition as positive as possible, you may try to think of things that your person living with dementia may gain from giving up their car. What is the positive side of this for them? If we’re going to take away something they value (their car, aka their independence), what is that going to do for them? Try to put yourself in their shoes and see if you can think of positives that may help them see this matter in a different light.

4.     Rehearse and Be Ready For Surprises Do you have someone that you can practice with? Thinking through these strategies can help, but roleplaying the conversation with someone that knows your loved one well can make all the difference. Try talking through different scenarios that may arise, and see if you can discover potential pitfalls to avoid.  

5.     Be Ready for More Talks and Follow-Through You’ve had the talk and your loved one agreed to give up driving? Wonderful! Now, will this be the last time you’ve had this conversation? Probably not. Forming new memories is truly difficult when dementia is involved, so be prepared that this topic may come up again. To reduce your chance of that, you may want to make sure all potential triggers are removed. Think of this as you look around. Are the keys removed from sight to not trigger old behaviors? Has the car been moved from its old spot? Paying attention and following through with details such as this will help you improve outcomes, and increase your chances of keeping everybody safe.

Source:  By Valerie Feurich; A Positive Approach To Care; February 3rd, 2021

Image by S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay