What to Do When Siblings Can’t Agree on a Parent’s Care Needs
For some lucky families, having all adult siblings gather around and plan how to take care of Mom and Dad as their parents’ health begins to fail is a great comfort. For other families, things can take a disastrous turn when siblings who never got along as kids and have had little to do with each other as adults are thrown together to make caregiving decisions.
For most families, navigating elder care decisions falls somewhere between these two extremes. Caregiving has a way of sneaking up on people, though. Generally, the adult child living nearest the aging parent(s) is who the default caregiver becomes, at the first sign of need. That usually makes sense because proximity is a huge factor in how quickly or frequently a family caregiver can check-in on or assist a love one.
Even in seemingly harmonious families, the person who slowly became the default caregiver can start to feel resentful. Out-of-town siblings can conveniently slide into denial because they aren’t around to see how much time and effort is involved. Through occasional visits and phone calls, all seems well with Mom and Dad, but it doesn’t occur to them that you, the in-town sibling, are the reason everything is going so “smoothly.” Some siblings may even be in total denial that your parents are as feeble or needy as you know them to be. This is a red flag that it’s time to consider how you are going to handle the spiraling needs of aging parents as a family.
Calling a Family Meeting
Most experts would suggest a family meeting, and I agree. Such a gathering gives the hands-on caregiver the opportunity to clarify the parents’ needs and explain all they do. It also gives the siblings a chance to learn about the situation, participate in care decisions and brainstorm how they can pitch in.
The goal is to determine each other’s strengths and maximize them to create a care plan that divvies up responsibilities more evenly. Will everything work out equally? Not a chance. But the hope is that the primary caregiver will no longer be responsible for every little thing their parents need. You’ll want to set a schedule to regularly check in with each other and update the whole family as needed. With a little effort and cooperation, families can come together and support one another in this endeavor. If this works for your family, congratulations! You can quit reading here.
Strategies for Getting Siblings on Board with Caregiving
For many, the chances of a civil family meeting where you hash out the needs of your elders and agree on who does what are nil. Countless caregivers stress over brothers and sisters who accuse them of spending too much of Mom and Dad’s money on doctor’s appointments, durable medical equipment and respite care. Some quit their jobs to take on caregiving only to be ignored by their siblings, or worse, criticized for how they are “running the show.” When ugly scenes like these pop up, bringing in a third party is usually the only way to straighten things out.
Deciding to Bring in Outside Help
It would be lovely if people didn’t carry their baggage from childhood into adulthood, but we all do to some extent. Sharing the care of aging parents doesn’t always bring out the best in people, and many cannot put sibling rivalry, greed and other undesirable behaviors aside for the sake of their elders.
Bringing in an objective third party such as a Geriatric Care Manager can help resolve some of these issues and set a collective goal of providing quality care for the senior(s) in question. When one person takes on caregiving by themselves and the family is in constant turmoil, everyone suffers. Resentments nurtured at this time can damage family relationships for generations. Choosing to cooperate at least enough to hire someone to help you all through this difficult time could be one of the best investments you’ve ever made.
Written by: Carol Bradley Bursack
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay