I Promised My Parents I'd Never Put Them in a Nursing Home
I Promised My Parents I'd Never Put Them in a Nursing Home
Our parents cared for us and now, as they age, it's natural that we want to care for them. At first, we figure we'll stop over at their home and do what they need us to do. That can work for awhile, when all that's needed is some help with errands, the lawn or fixing a meal now and then. It's kind of a pleasant way to help out and show our love for our parents.
However as care needs increase, we are faced with more decisions. Many of us promised in good faith, back when our parents were healthy, that we wouldn't ever put them in a nursing home. That would feel like we were abandoning them. However, as years go by and care needs mount, we find ourselves faced with the fact that we can't raise our families, work our jobs and run to Mom and Dad's condo three times a day.
So, with some guilt, we start looking at other options. For some people, this means having your parents move in with you. If there is enough room so everyone has privacy and the personalities blend, this can work. However, before making such a move, make sure your head is as engaged as your heart. While you are considering this option, you also may want to read "Living With Elderly Parents: Do You Regret the Decision?"
Another option, though there is some guilt attached, is getting some in-home agency help. Why the guilt? Because you are now sharing the caregiving with someone else. Someone who is not a family member. You are hiring help for your parents. That isn't what you had in mind for them, but they are not safe alone all day, and you can't be there all the time. You have to do something.
Then the day comes where in-home care can't handle all of their needs or it becomes too expensive. . Only one choice remains, and that is a nursing home or Assisted Living Community.
None of us knows the future. Our healthy parents have visions of nursing homes decades ago, and the very idea of living in one is unthinkable to them. You tend to agree. Yet, people live longer now, in far worse condition, than they did in the past. Because of medical advances, their hearts are still ticking but they are in such frail health that there is no way you can care for them alone. No one could have foreseen this way back when they were younger and healthy. When the guilt starts to overwhelm you, stop it.
There are still some bad Nursing Homes and Assisted Living Communities. So, be proactive and tour the ones in your parent's area before the need arise. Consider engaging the help of Choice Connections to help you with this overwhelming process. We can help you evaluate options, rule out those with poor reputations and state inspections and help you find those that will match your parent’s needs and preferences.
If you find one you like, get your parents’ names on the list. The good homes are often full and hard to get into. You can always say no if they call with a room and you aren't ready. But when you hit that brick wall of reality and know you must, for your elders' safety and your health and sanity, put them in a senior care community, you have done your best.
If you put your parents in a senior community, they still need you as an advocate. They need you to put the personal touches on their rooms and to be visible to the staff and the other residents. They need you to help them settle in and make friends. The best part of this, if you will let the guilt go and think for a moment, is that you now can enjoy them again. You aren't tied to doing everything for them, so when you visit, you can do extra little things. You aren't too worn out to be pleasant. You can surprise them by bringing the children. You can bring their favorite chocolates or wine. You can make this their new home, and be the person who visits, without all of the exhaustion that used to make you crabby. And you can do it without guilt.
Honor the spirit of your promises by being the best caregiver you can be. Be a caregiver who knows when to say when.
Article from AgingCare.com
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