How to Cope when Your Spouse Has Dementia

A part of marriage is caring for your spouse when they are sick or ailing. Although a spouse with dementia may not visibly appear sick, this person is suffering from memory loss and confusion. Watching your spouse’s mental abilities deteriorate may be difficult. You may feel uncertain about how to help your spouse with dementia and how to adjust to this major life change. By redefining your marriage and accepting your new roles, asking for support, and taking care of yourself, you can handle this new season of your life.

ADJUST HOW YOU LOOK AT YOUR SPOUSE

1.     Accept that your marriage will change. Know that your marriage will not be an equal partnership anymore. Eventually, you will have to take on all of the responsibilities of managing your household, caring for your family, and even helping your spouse with the smallest of tasks. Your role as spouse will gradually transform into the caregiver, or even "parent" in the relationship.

2.     Educate yourself as much as possible about the particular form of dementia that your spouse has. Knowing what to expect going forward goes a long way in preparing you for the different stages as they occur.

3.      Understand your spouse’s behavior isn’t intentional. People with dementia often take on new personalities and may lash out at their spouses and caregivers. Not taking these behaviors personally is difficult, but necessary. Understanding the cause of the aggressive behavior may help you to not become offended by your spouse, and help them in the process.

4.     Know that feeling resentful of your spouse is common. When you said your vows, you probably didn’t plan on marrying someone you would have to take care of completely. You likely envisioned a relationship in which you both put in equal amounts of work and when this doesn’t happen, resentment is often common.

Feeling angry and resentful of the situation is normal, but if you let those negative emotions become directed toward your spouse, you will likely make your new reality even worse. Instead of getting mad at your spouse, get mad at the disease.

5.      Understand that intimacy may change. Because of the cognitive decline of your spouse, you may not be able to experience the emotional and physical intimacy you once did. Along with physical impairments, your spouse may become depressed, which can also affect their sex drive. Additionally, you may not feel attracted to your partner anymore because of these changes. Don’t feel guilty about this loss of attraction; you can find other ways to connect.

RELYING ON OTHERS FOR HELP

1.     Ask friends and family for help. Taking on the role of caregiver is an overwhelming and stressful concept for many spouses. However, understand that it is OK to ask for help.  

2.    Join a support group. No one understands what you are going through better than those who are experiencing it for themselves. Joining a support group allows you to talk freely about all of the emotions you are feeling and receive feedback and encouragement from those who are in the same place as you.

3.    Hire a professional caregiver. Know that it is not a sign of weakness to ask for help from a professional.  

TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF

Self-care in general is one of the most important things a spouse needs to do when they become a caregiver. Some spouses feel guilty because they cannot manage everything. Keeping yourself healthy is the best thing you can do to help your spouse.  Consider seeking professional help, participate in hobbies, and exercise to relieve stress.

Source:  wiki How to do anything   Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

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