Caregiver Guilt: How to Stop Feeling Guilty About Elderly Parents
It is so hard to see our parents get older. As they become more physically and/or cognitively challenged, it’s only natural to wish we could take away their struggles. We can offer love and support. We can do our best to anticipate and meet their needs. But, we can’t take away the discomfort and indignities that come with aging. Family caregivers tend to be empathetic individuals, so seeing those we love decline pains us deeply. We feel we should do something—anything—to help, but our powerlessness results in unearned guilt.
Much of this guilt is self-imposed, but there are instances where care recipients use their caregivers’ compassion to their advantage. Elderly parents are especially notorious for sending their adult children on guilt trips to get what they want when and how they want it. Although it comes from external sources, this is still a type of undeserved guilt that must be overcome. It, too, can run family caregivers down, contributing to feelings of anxiety, depression and burn out. In these cases, setting boundaries is crucial for a caregiver’s well-being.
Failing to prioritize self-care is already a widespread problem for family caregivers—even those who don’t have issues with irrational guilt. On the rare occasion that we put our own needs before others’, I think we can all admit that at least a hint of guilt creeps in. Some even feel downright selfish for taking a break from providing care. There is so much else that we could be doing for others, yet here we are taking a few moments for ourselves.
Moving your older adult into assisted living might be one of the hardest decisions you’ll have to make in your life.
So many caregivers are feeling guilty about “putting mom in assisted living” – moving their parent, spouse, relative, or close friend to assisted living, a nursing home, or memory care.
But when caring for someone at home becomes dangerous or nearly impossible, it’s absolutely necessary to move them to a place where they’ll be safe and get the care they need.
Unfortunately, the reality is that even if this is the best decision for their health and for yours, the guilt and sadness can still be overwhelming.
It hurts when you have negative thoughts and feelings about a decision you were forced to make. Your heart will need some time to catch up with what you know in your head.
Moving someone to assisted living doesn’t mean that you’ve failed to take care of them. It means you’re making a smart decision to keep them safe and get them the level of care they need. You still spend as much time with them as you can, talk frequently with the staff, and manage their overall care.
You are taking good care of your older adult and you certainly haven’t abandoned them.
Overcoming the Guilt
There are many different ways to help us cope with this guilt. Rather than worrying about every little detail of care, you must learn to detach a little. It is painful and impractical to be so consumed in each detail. You must step back and ask yourself “What more could I do?” Realize that you didn’t cause your loved ones illness. Understand that sometimes professional care is necessary. Take time to grieve your loss. This is a big change in not only your loved one’s life, but also in your own. Learn to understand that you can’t live life for other human beings. You can only help them so much. Do your best, and then move forward with your own life. Few aging parents or spouses would want their adult children or their mate to entirely give up living any kind of life apart from their needs. You will still be part of the care team. You will still be your loved one’s advocate. You will give much of your attention and your life to help him or her. Overall, it will be a winning situation for both sides.
Sources: Carol Bradley Bursack, Aging Care (https://www.agingcare.com/Articles/caregiving-guilt-stop-feeling-guilty-126209.htm);
Daily Caring Editorial Team (https://dailycaring.com/3-reasons-to-stop-feeling-guilty-about-putting-mom-in-assisted-living/
Ciara Moosman (http://blog.belairecare.com/dealing-guilt/)
Image by Sabine van Erp from Pixabay